GIRLS SPREAD 20 SATIN CEO: Chief Erotic Officer Photography by Suze Randall 40 HALEY & JERRY Rescue Me Photography by Matti Klatt 58 KRYSTAL STEAL & McKENZIE LEE The Barbershop Photography by Laurent Sky 75 JENNIFER Danke Schoen Centerfold Photography by Matti Klatt 96 CLIVE McLEAN 1944-2005 Remembering a Revered Lensman 110 CYTHEREA Let Me Entertain You Photography by Matti Klatt 162 LAURA LUV Luscious Contender Photography by Ladi von Jansky MONTHLY FEATURES 3 CHEAP-ASS SCOTCH HUSTLER Parody 12 HAZARDOUS COSMETICS HUSTLER Political Parody 32 WATCH WHAT YOU BUY BEFORE IT WATCHES YOU Privacy Advocate Katherine Albrecht on Big Brother's Latest Snooping Device Interview by Carolyn Sinclair & Bruce David 36 SYSTEM OF A DOWN Hard Rockers With a Sound Outlook Interview by Tom Farrell 50 NOAM CHOMSKY Academia's Most Outspoken Observer Interview by Bruce David & Carolyn Sinclair OHIO'S ODD NUMBERS Commentator Finds 2004 Polling in One Swing State Amiss 66 CELEBRITY SKIN Songbird Sheryl Crow, The Apprentice's Sassy Katrina Campins Exposés by Keith Valcourt & Hans Feuersinger HOW TO GET ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM ANYBODY! Easy-to-Master Form of Mind Control THE ISSUE'S STANDARDS 7 PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT The Many Ironies of Terri Schiavo by Larry Flynt 11 FEEDBACK Thought-Provoking Reader Correspondence 13 ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH 15 BITS & PIECES HUSTLER Hits London, BJ-ing Movie Star, L.A.'s Hot News Babe, Head Cheerleader's Savior & More 30 HOT LETTERS Trollop's Raunchy Poker Game 71 AURAL PLEASURES Slipknot Banter, Trust Company Resurgence, Queens of the Stone Age's Busy Frontman, Autographed-CD Contest & New Discs 88 HUSTLER HUMOR 89 EROTIC ENTERTAINMENT Blue-Movie Extravaganza, Anime Galore, Plus )0(X Reviews by Hip-Hopper Jacki-0 106 REAL COLLEGE GIRLS Uncanny Scholastic Show-offs 109 HUSTLER ON CAMPUS Student's Controversial Porn Flick Report From UCSD by Jeremy Rode 119 TECH KNOW Better Living Through Gadgets by Keith Valcoud 121 GAME ON Evaluating Latest Video Gaming by Tom Farrell 154 BEAVER HUNT A Dozen Zesty Flasheroos |